A 3Beckom Studio Production

Greetings everyone I know this is not really bobsled related but a lot of you inquire about what I do in downtime and the truth is my mind tends to wander and think up stories, plays, skits you know the usual. So below is a skit I thought up this summer and sent in to Saturday Night Live but never heard anything back so I figured I will let you all take a look at it and I hope it makes you laugh! Becasuse I laughed! lol Enjoy!

A Skit By Jesse Beckom III with input from Jimmy Moody and Pat Judge:

Twilight Spoof-Edward Stars on Dateline to catch a Predator

Edward arrives at Bella’s house but notices something is different so he enters slowly he smells something in the air unlike anything he has known. He sees a shadowy figure.
Lights come on and its Chris Hansen standing there arms folded looking at Edward with judgmental eyes

Chris: Hello sir how are you tonight?

Edward: (While trying to hide his six pack of beer, box of condoms, and feather duster) Uhm…Who are you, why are you here and where is Bella?

Chris: Well why don’t you have a seat in that chair?

Edward: No I don’t want to sit (Chris’s voice somehow compels Edward towards the chair against his will)

Chris: Please sir just have a seat in that chair right there.

Edward: Well ok but I was just, I mean, ok I will just sit down. (The whole time Edward does not want to sit down but he can’t resist Chris’s persuasiveness)

Chris: My name is Chris Hansen sir and who are you?

Edward: Edward Cullen but where is Bella?

Chris: Oh….(said sarcastically) you are looking for Bella?

Edward: (Begins to feel a lil uncomfortable he starts to lie) Uhhhh Yeah I came over cause we are suppose to study together.

Chris: Really? study? You just came to study Edward….ok. (Chris nods his head in slight disbelief of Edwards story)

Edward: Yeah we have Biology class together. Is there something wrong with that?

Chris: Well Edward there’s really no reason to get upset (Chris mumbles under his voice “Pervert”)
Edward: What!?

Chris: (Having a slight smirk on his face) Oh nothing something was in my throat (Chris mumbles “Sicko”)

Edward: Come On! (Edward is getting irritated has hand up looking around as if to say did anyone else here that?).

Chris: (While smiling) And as you probably guessed by now Bella is here but she is safe so Just relax (and conveniently pulls the cross he has being wearing out from under his collared shirt so Edward to see) there’s nothing to get mad about, plus we are here to talk about you not Bella!

Edward: what’s with the cross

Chris: Oh nothing you know I’m catholic why does it bother you? (Chris inner monologue: oh yeah vamp weirdo you don’t like it and I know it! Let it burn demon boy…man that Usher is really good. He begins to bob his head a lil as he sings the song in his head. Then immediately goes straight face and stairs back at Edward) now where were we, oh yes biology class.

Edward: (Edward is disturbed and confused)Yes biology we are in high school together

Chris: You say you are here to study yet you have no books, paper, or study guide but you have beer? How exactly do you study where you come from Edward!?

Edward: (Edwards eyes dash around the room frantically looking for a excuse) Oh uhm no, no see it’s not like that the beer was for her father yeah..her father cause um he likes beer so I got it from him….yeah I got it for him.
(A member of the camera crew scream from the background You Lie!)

Edward: (Looks toward the camera obviously upset trying to play innocent motions whit his mouth what)

Chris: (pulls out the transcript of e-mails sent back and forth from Bella and Edward) Let me ask you another question Edward?

Edward: ok sure

Chris: Your screen name is…., and correct me if I say this wrong Sweetdaddyfang1! Is that correct?

Edward: w…w….well

Chris: (In an accusing and sarcastic voice) You are Sweetdaddyfang1 correct, that is the name you go by on line? you’re the sweet fang daddy! That’s cool right!? The kids Like that its catchy its hip? (Chris does a slight strut and should swag while saying this)

Edward: Well I guess you can say that…I mean it’s just a screen name…it’s more like a joke than anything.

Chris: Mmm…hmmm… I see, so if I said Hell I am Chris Sugar Nuts Hansen that would not be weird to you? Because as you say it’s just a name right?

Edward: (hesitantly and unsure) Yeah sure

Chris: Well Sweetdaddyfang1, looking at the notes from your online chat with Bella you..(Edward buts in)

Edward: (Nervous concern) Notes did you say notes?

Chris: Yeah this piece of paper that I am holding is your entire online conversation with Bella, and I have to tell you it’s pretty interesting.

Edward: Gulps!

Chris: Did you type I want to suck you dry like a Capri sun juice packet? You did type that correct, those are your words right?

Edward: Listen I know it sounds bad but that’s really not how I meant it, I was not meaning her I…(Chris cuts in)

Chris: Not bad you say, really? Ok then I will read more.

Chris: You go further on to say that you want to open her up like a new book and thumb through your pages. I can continue if you like? You go on to talk about a feather duster, a turkey baister, a hamster, and two poodles! (Chris pulls the paper down looking at Edward in rebuke) You are really sick, I mean I have met some sick people but yeah you are a piece of work I tell you.

Edward: No…No…Stop please stop reading ok I did not come here to study ok are you happy!

Chris: (making a hand gesture) yeah mmmm a lil bit!

Chris: Now we all know you did not come here for studying but are you aware that Bella is only 16? Which is considered a minor in the state of Washington?

Edward: Yeah but it’s ok cause I am a minor as well I am only 17! (Crap I knew we should have moved to Utah or Germany, at least I know 16 is legal there Mua hahaha)

Chris: (Looking at Edward intently and in disbelief) You’re 17!?

Chris: Ohhhh….you’re 17! Ohh?

Edward: Yes I am 17, just look at me I’m still in high school, !

Chris: That’s your final answer you’re 17 (Music from who wants to be a millionaire plays briefely)

Chris: (Mumbles) What a D-Bag.

Edward: Ok really!?...Really!? I heard that and you are starting to piss me off!

Chris: (pulling out a shaker of garlic and setting it on the table nonchalantly keeping a straight face and continuing with the conversation) Hey Buddy, Hey Buddy it’s ok Fangdaddy just relax I am not here to hurt you. Just trying to find out the facts.

Edward: (Starting to look for a way out but not willing to let on he is a Vampire casually) what’s with the garlic?

Chris: Oh nothing, nothing at all I was just cooking a pizza (pizza buzzer goes off at that moment, Chris stops talking to grab the pizza out the oven cuts it applies a ton of garlic) Fangdaddy do you want a slice? (Not waiting for the answer) No oh ok, figured I would ask. (Chris eats a slice of pizza shaking his head up/down/sideways) this is some good Za! (small smirk)

Edward: (says nothing just sits there visibly pissed shaking his head)

Chris: Pizza make you angry or something Fangdaddy

Edward: My name is Edward not Fangdaddy can you please stop calling me that

Chris: Ok so Fangdaddy…I mean Pedo… I meant Edward sorry was going to say Edward, I am so thirsty are you thirst? Want some water? (Chris then reaches in the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of Spring Holy Water gestures out a bottle towards Edward)

Chris: Ok Edward, now you claim to be 17 but according to Wikipedia it says you are 117!? How does that work for ya?!

Edward: (trying to explain and back track) well what had happen was, It’s like…(Chris cuts him off)

Chris: Exactly how long have you been a in high school? Is geometry really that hard these days?

Edward: (Breaking down a lil) ok listen, I may have repeated my junior year once ok it happens and I am not the only one!

Chris: (mumbles) yeah you and your whole dumb blood sucking family!
Edward: WHAT! Now I know I heard that!

Chris: Whaaaat, Oh I said I can’t wait to duck out of here to go sailing! Sail…ing. Speaking of sailing.

Edward: What, sailing? What?

Chris: I’m talking about sailing; you know a boat some water? Now, as I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted! (Stares condescendingly at Edward) The oddest thing happened though last time I was sailing and a piece of the mass broke off in a weird shape, oh here take a look at it (Chris pulls out the piece of the mass from a kitchen drawer which resembles a wooden stake, he begins to twirling it and doing a stabbing and hammering motion) I was trying to hammer it back in but it just would not go. You would not know an old fashion way to get this piece back in there so it never ever comes out do you?!

Edward: No I would not..why would I? What is wrong with you!

Chris: (Looses his cool) What’s wrong with me!? You are asking What’s wrong with me!? Listen Here R-Kelly Dracula is my here boy we know exactly who you are and what you are and frankly I don’t like any of it! You’re 117 years old and you are trying to date a 16yr old! And you ask what’ wrong with me!? What’s wrong with you!? What do the women at the bars don’t go for your boy band charms!?

Edward: No no that’s not it all its..I like... (Chris interrupts)

Chris: Hell I like marshmallows in my Hot chocolate but do you see me going over to the Stay Puff marshmallows Man house asking for his teenage daughter Stacy and asking her to jump in cup so I can stir her around till she melts and drink my Hot Chocolate….!

Edward: (trying to interrupt) What?

Chris: (Keeps on talking right through Edward’s comment) Do You!? Do you!? No you don’t I drink my hot chocolate plain! It’s called self control you should have some it tastes good! mmmmm sooo good!

Edward: (Finally starting to cry and break down)Ok…ok you are right I do prey on silly teenage girls but its only cause their blood is so young and sweet, plus older women make fun of how never stand like a man! They ask me if Horatio from CSI is my dad cause I always stand sideways! They make fun of me for not being tan and they call me Casper the Lonely ghost and they never want to go out with me….what’s wrong with me! I mean I look like diamonds and I thought girls liked that! And yeah so what I like to suck a lil blood that they are not going to miss much right!? Right!?

Chris: ohhhh buddy I would love to stake you putting you out your misery, taking you off the street but you know what that’s out of my authority, as much as I would really… really love to! So you are free to go!

Edward: (sobbing leaning over with his head in his hands) really I am free to walk out of here?

Chris: (Smirking) yeah sure you are free to go

Edward: (sniffling walking out hanging his head) thank you and by the way garlic, crosses, and holy water don’t really work on us. And the sun just shows our skin to be diamonds.

Chris: Diamonds….did you say Diamonds?

Edward: yeah diamonds!

Chris: (looking sinister) Really…..?

Screen fades to black and then fades back in.
Bella: (walks in the room)Hey Chris have you seen Edward?
Chris: (There is a sledge hammer on the table and Chris is using his arms and hands to scrape a pile of diamonds off the table in too a bag, looking extremely guilty) Edward? Naw…. No Edward here, haven’t seen him all day!

Screen fades to the next scene previewing the next week’s episode of To Catch a Predator. At that point you see the actual Predator walks into the house looking for lil Danny (a.k.a Danny Glover) Calling his name in the creepy predator voice. He sees Chris.

Chris: Hello sir, please have a seat
Predator: (Looks around knowing he is caught) Oh bleep! Uhm I am in the wrong house (presses his cloaking device turning invisible and walking backwards out of the room)

Show fades to Black.

This has been a Jesse Beckom